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June 13, 2006



a Nice Guy is someone who thinks he has the answer to What Women Want, and doesn't understand why women ditch or ignore him for men he calls "assholes," meaning men who realize that women are individuals and want three billion different things.

I'm confused by that sentence. It sounds like you're saying that Nice Guys are men who realize that women are individuals, but the rest of the essay seems to indicate the opposite. Am I misunderstanding something?

Hershele Ostropoler

Well, that's why I said I've changed my mind. I'm backing off that position a bit, because it seems to suggest that treating women as individuals is guaranteed to charm the pants off them, while I've come to realize that nothing is guaranteed to charm the pants off women, although treating them as people is a step in the right direction.


Funny how men, in their early stages of sexual development, view sex as an objective to be completed. I remember thinking the same way until about college, when I finally did get laid. Only then did I realize that the really good sex only comes after you stop pursuing it, and instead shift the focus to human contact. You know, like actually liking the girl for who she is? Anything else, it seems, is putting the cart before the horse.

Samantha Vimes

Very good rethinking. I think one of the reasons some Nice Guys get the "You're a nice guy, but I just don't feel that way..." and then assume women want jerks, is that they did behave in a manner the woman liked. But they don't get that consent isn't a matter of not really wanting to but doing it because he played by the rules, but *mutual attraction*, which is elusive and generally spontaneous.


hi, very helpful comment. i wish my therapist had told me the same thing last time i told her the "i treated her much better than that jerk did who treated her like shit, and yet she preferred that jerk" story.

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